Amsh Mafia - The Cast of Characters

As a quick introduction to the show, I think it's best if we start with a quick Who's Who of the Amish Mafia.

Let's start with "Lebanon Levi" - called that because every good crime boss has to have a catchy name.  According to the official website of the show, he's described as "an Amish insider who holds the power and serves as protector of the community...  FOR A PRICE."  (Emphasis mine.)

Lebanon Levi claims there is no such thing as the Amish Mafia, even though he has signed on to star in a show called "Amish Mafia".

Obviously one scary dude.

 Interestingly enough, the Amish church agrees:

 

So everyone agrees that the Amish Mafia is imaginary.

Levi was not baptized Amish.  So, in essence, the head of the imaginary Amish Mafia is not even a member of the Amish church.

When Lebanon Levi isn't running his imaginary Amish Mafia, he apparently dresses in normal clothes and works in construction. 

From what I can tell, the Amish do not like dealing with outsiders, whom they call "English", so they go to Lebanon Levi and pay him monthly to take care of hospital bills, buggy repairs, etc.  So they have their own little commune and Lebanon Levi sort of acts as the insurance man and banker.

Next, we are introduced to Levi's foot-soldier Jolin, who is a Mennonite.

This "Amish Mafia" is turning out to not be very Amish.  

Mennonites can use electricity and drive cars, which comes in very handy.  He also gets to dress differently, which I think means he doesn't have to wear a hat.  Jolin is shown with a pump shotgun and a high powered rifle, which is supposed to make us think he's a badass.

I'll SHOW you what happens if you steal my butter churn, BITCH.

And compared to the next guy, I've got to admit he is.

Let's meet John.

This is John.

This is John's scooter.  It has a little metal basket.  He will run your ass down with it.  And then you can, I don't know... giggle at him.

Scooter-John is less of a foot-soldier and more of an errand boy.  But he has lofty goals.  We'll get to those later.  Scooter-John also has not been baptized in the Amish church.

Moving on, we have Alvin.

Just sayin'.

Alvin is one of the Three Stooges.  Sorry, I guess that's just the unfortunate haircut.  Alvin is actually Lebanon Levi's right-hand-man.  We are told that you can't get to Levi without going through Alvin.  We're also told he doesn't talk much, but when he does speak, you kind of expect him to say, "I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl."  They show him carrying around a baseball bat and hitting a buggy with it.  We'll call him Alvin-At-The-Bat for the sake of clarity.

No mention is made yet of whether or not Alvin-At-The-Bat is Amish, Mennonite or Imaginary-Amish.

Next, we have Esther.  Oh, Esther, where do I even begin with you?  Esther is Scooter-John's sister.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if she didn't live in a community where women really have no more social standing than the hogs they slop, Esther would be running this whole damn imaginary mafia.  If you ran her buggy off the road, you'd likely find a horse head in your bed.

That's right, boys.  I'm all that AND a bag of chips.

But the Amish world doesn't work like that, so Esther continues to clean the house.  She also flirts with Levi, even though she has a thing for Badass-Jolin.  Esther isn't officially part of the Amish church, either.

 

Another interesting character who enters the picture is Alan.

They call me Black Amish, yo.  Even though I'm Mennonite.  A racist and innacurate nickname is okay, though, 'cause they're Amish and they usually do it in Dutch.

Alan was born in Brooklyn.  His mother took him to the Mennonite colony and then when he was nine years old a Mennonite family adopted him.  He calls himself Levi's Event Coordinator.  He puts together softball games and parties to make money for Levi.

Esther says that Black Amish Alan is into some really, really bad stuff that she shouldn't talk about.  Perhaps he fixes the softball games. HA HA! Just kidding!  He's in trouble for traffic violations and may have smoked some weed and got caught with a gun.  

Fun Fact:  the Amish call marijuana "green corn."

Lastly, we have Merlin. 

I just really wish he wore a wizard hat.

Merlin is the head of the Amish Mafia in Holmes, Ohio.   No word on whether it's a real mafia or an imaginary mafia.  One thing you can be sure of is that he is absolutely crazy.  He's in Pennsylvania to take over because he doesn't like the way Lebanon Levi runs things.

And from here, now that we know who we're dealing with, things can get interesting.

 

Amish Mafia - Introduction

I love a LOT of reality TV shows. 

My favorite types of shows fall into two categories.  

First, shows that peek into the lives of the rich and richer. The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and anything Kardashian come to mind, because my GOD I love their closets and shoes and houses and the insane way they throw around money.  And while I think a lot of their drama is, how would you say, "encouraged" by the show's producers (come on, does anyone believe that Kourtney Kardashian ever had a serious problem with coupon clipping taking over her life?), it's mindless, fun entertainment.  

The second category would be shows that are just so bizarre that you wonder what in the world the participants were thinking by signing up.  And how in the world the show producers came up with anything so bizarre.

So when my friend, Kristiana (names changed to protect the innocent), casually mentioned the other day that she was sitting down with her husband to watch Amish Mafia (on the Discovery channel!?!), the pretense was so ridiculous that I might have peed myself just a little tiny bit laughing.  I was also out of town at the time and almost couldn't wait to get back home and watch this show.

Amish MAFIA?  Like, mafia as in crime bosses and broken thumbs and cement shoes and a secret underworld?  Could this be serious?  As in, Chicago?  And Scarface?  And guys named 'Thumbs' and 'Joey the Jackknife"?

So I came home from my trip, logged onto discovery.com and watched the first few episodes of Amish Mafia and thought I would have a little fun blogging about them. 

What I found was that upon the first viewing, was that I'm going to have to watch that ALL again.  The insane level of facets to these people's lives are each going to require their own introductory blog before I can even get into the crux of the show, which is, by the way, RIDICULOUS.

Prepare yourselves for an in-depth look into the underground world of illicit booze and laundry parties, prostitution, a secret subculture of men who have "Pimp my Buggy" contests, pitchfork throwing(?), Amish boxing events, "green corn" (known to you and me as marijuana), tattoos, hanging undergarments on a clothesline too close to the neighbors, buggy tipping and even rigged buggy races.  (Buggies are a big part of the Amish culture, unless they're in a hurry to get somewhere, in which case they hire a cab.  Or an airplane, in extreme circumstances.)

Until next time, when I delve into each character so we have a chance of keeping these people straight.