Amsh Mafia - The Cast of Characters

As a quick introduction to the show, I think it's best if we start with a quick Who's Who of the Amish Mafia.

Let's start with "Lebanon Levi" - called that because every good crime boss has to have a catchy name.  According to the official website of the show, he's described as "an Amish insider who holds the power and serves as protector of the community...  FOR A PRICE."  (Emphasis mine.)

Lebanon Levi claims there is no such thing as the Amish Mafia, even though he has signed on to star in a show called "Amish Mafia".

Obviously one scary dude.

 Interestingly enough, the Amish church agrees:

 

So everyone agrees that the Amish Mafia is imaginary.

Levi was not baptized Amish.  So, in essence, the head of the imaginary Amish Mafia is not even a member of the Amish church.

When Lebanon Levi isn't running his imaginary Amish Mafia, he apparently dresses in normal clothes and works in construction. 

From what I can tell, the Amish do not like dealing with outsiders, whom they call "English", so they go to Lebanon Levi and pay him monthly to take care of hospital bills, buggy repairs, etc.  So they have their own little commune and Lebanon Levi sort of acts as the insurance man and banker.

Next, we are introduced to Levi's foot-soldier Jolin, who is a Mennonite.

This "Amish Mafia" is turning out to not be very Amish.  

Mennonites can use electricity and drive cars, which comes in very handy.  He also gets to dress differently, which I think means he doesn't have to wear a hat.  Jolin is shown with a pump shotgun and a high powered rifle, which is supposed to make us think he's a badass.

I'll SHOW you what happens if you steal my butter churn, BITCH.

And compared to the next guy, I've got to admit he is.

Let's meet John.

This is John.

This is John's scooter.  It has a little metal basket.  He will run your ass down with it.  And then you can, I don't know... giggle at him.

Scooter-John is less of a foot-soldier and more of an errand boy.  But he has lofty goals.  We'll get to those later.  Scooter-John also has not been baptized in the Amish church.

Moving on, we have Alvin.

Just sayin'.

Alvin is one of the Three Stooges.  Sorry, I guess that's just the unfortunate haircut.  Alvin is actually Lebanon Levi's right-hand-man.  We are told that you can't get to Levi without going through Alvin.  We're also told he doesn't talk much, but when he does speak, you kind of expect him to say, "I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl."  They show him carrying around a baseball bat and hitting a buggy with it.  We'll call him Alvin-At-The-Bat for the sake of clarity.

No mention is made yet of whether or not Alvin-At-The-Bat is Amish, Mennonite or Imaginary-Amish.

Next, we have Esther.  Oh, Esther, where do I even begin with you?  Esther is Scooter-John's sister.

I have a sneaking suspicion that if she didn't live in a community where women really have no more social standing than the hogs they slop, Esther would be running this whole damn imaginary mafia.  If you ran her buggy off the road, you'd likely find a horse head in your bed.

That's right, boys.  I'm all that AND a bag of chips.

But the Amish world doesn't work like that, so Esther continues to clean the house.  She also flirts with Levi, even though she has a thing for Badass-Jolin.  Esther isn't officially part of the Amish church, either.

 

Another interesting character who enters the picture is Alan.

They call me Black Amish, yo.  Even though I'm Mennonite.  A racist and innacurate nickname is okay, though, 'cause they're Amish and they usually do it in Dutch.

Alan was born in Brooklyn.  His mother took him to the Mennonite colony and then when he was nine years old a Mennonite family adopted him.  He calls himself Levi's Event Coordinator.  He puts together softball games and parties to make money for Levi.

Esther says that Black Amish Alan is into some really, really bad stuff that she shouldn't talk about.  Perhaps he fixes the softball games. HA HA! Just kidding!  He's in trouble for traffic violations and may have smoked some weed and got caught with a gun.  

Fun Fact:  the Amish call marijuana "green corn."

Lastly, we have Merlin. 

I just really wish he wore a wizard hat.

Merlin is the head of the Amish Mafia in Holmes, Ohio.   No word on whether it's a real mafia or an imaginary mafia.  One thing you can be sure of is that he is absolutely crazy.  He's in Pennsylvania to take over because he doesn't like the way Lebanon Levi runs things.

And from here, now that we know who we're dealing with, things can get interesting.